Making Elusive Experiences My Own by Stretching Reality

A virtual moonlit walk is curing my anxiety

Photo by Lisa Fotios from Pexels

When the day is done, I’m sitting on my bed, intending to write something today. The losses and missteps are in the past, the war’s over, and it’s now time for some peace. My laptop casts a glow on my face, and my eyes appear soft. I seem to be focused and calm, but that’s not the reality. I can romanticize this image so well that it would make me jealous on the second read, but let’s call it what it is — procrastination — a response to my Anxiety.

Coachella is the second biggest news byte today, according to the Internet, and people over at Youtube are calling it the “influencer Olympics,” and I’m loving the tea. But let me admit it, bare my soul in print as usual, that as much as I diss on it, parts of me wish I could be there. Feel something for a change.

California, palm trees, a fancy lineup of popular artists, and an amazing photo opportunity. Even the heat isn’t deterring the enthusiasm of the attendees as they continue smiling and dancing, phones in hand.

I could have liked it, right?

However, I know it all too well that even something resembling this music festival is out of my reach. Not living in the US is the least of my problems, only second to the fact that I’m not a size 2. My social anxiety would not allow me to even consider being near such a large crowd. The close contact, sweat, and lack of amenities would cause me to panic, and it would be so unbearable that I would probably pass out. I would rather be horizontal on my couch.

During the Pandemic, both musicians and their fans were lamenting over the cancellation of their tours and concerts. I, for one, was tuning into the virtual arrangements on Youtube and vibing with the heartfelt performances delivered ever so passionately from living rooms, desks, and empty halls.

The sound was amazing, and the lack of people shouting made it so much more intimate. I almost ticked attending such an event off my bucket list, but I couldn’t. The question is, will I ever experience it like the others?

A couple of days ago, I was caught in a bad loop one unfortunate night. Being rather worked up, I was unable to focus on anything. I needed a break but also simultaneously couldn’t take one. Then, I took a moonlit walk on my Animal Crossing island for thirty minutes. And I was transported to a faraway land where only I exist. I could hear myself think and look up at the sky.

It was 2:00 a.m. there, as I had time traveled a few hours into the future. The sky was almost clear with a few scattered wispy clouds, just the way I like it. The half-moon followed me wherever I went, and sitting down near rustling leaves made me feel connected. I sensed my surroundings, having no more trouble with being in the present, and soaked in the clean, crisp air.

Poets and dreamers did make me fall in love with the idea of nighttime. I’ve enjoyed it for as long as I can remember, and the romanticization of being alone when the whole world is asleep is one actually I attest to.

However, I can only enjoy it indoors and at max from my balcony. Walking on a real street, with the sounds of the night, would scare the living shit out of me. I would constantly worry about my safety, feel eyes at the back of my head, and wish to run back home. Sweat would drench and dehydrate me.

The thing is, I can write a poem too. A beautiful one at that, if I may say so myself, and imagine an experience that is times better than reality. I’m not saying that all experiences are not real, but who’s to say that all of them are? For me, living in my head is better. I would rather live my life from my couch than put myself in strange, uncomfortable, and loud settings.

There are things I can change about myself and others that I can’t. Learning the difference is an essential part of growing up, and I am almost always trying to work on myself. But I don’t even know if I want to change this about myself. I’ve been social, put on a fake smile, played the part of a cool girl, and hated every bit of it. I was the farthest from myself that I could be and wasn’t happy with anything while constantly — ironically, chasing it.

In the past few years, I’ve come into myself, accepted my dualities, and thrown the metaphorical box away. A few things also, as consequence, became out of reach. On my beach vacations, I’m usually asleep by ten, having exhausted myself from hours of swimming and basking in the Sun.

I know I couldn’t enjoy solitude anyway, so what’s the point?

I’ve written off things I cannot do and stopped making goals out of material entities. But today, as I experience the peace wash over me that I was longing for — a mere hour ago, I stop to question this statement. Should everything be experienced the way it has been written about, shot, or reposted? Can I make it mine? Was opening my mind the answer all along?

I’ll take another walk on my island later tonight. I might even go for an underwater dive. And the moonlight shining on the Prussian blue water is going to fill my soul. Nintendo gave me an experience that I never thought I could have — I had long given up on. Now I wouldn’t trade it for the real thing.

Experiences are, after all, supposed to be unique, ours to discover, like, and dislike. At least, that’s what I think. Maybe I’m wrong, but this is fun, lazy, and easy, so I’m going to look for more of the same. I wonder, what’s next?